The self.
Most of us have a pretty good idea of who we are... especially if we are in our mid twenties. I mean okay, you may not have figured yourself out completely (i doubt one ever does) but you pretty much know what kind of a person you are...what category you would fall into if categorization were ever required. I have always been very sure of myself...more than others...confident in knowing who i am and what i am like and to a great degree i have been able to express that in the work that i do enough so that if someone sees my work in a group show they can say "oh yes, thats very kay-like".
So when i got to graduate school I have been told over and over again by peers and teachers that there is not enough "me" in my work. I'm stumped.
"You seem to keep the viewer at a distance by not allowing us to see what YOU are really thinking"
"It's TOO relative"
"Where are YOU in this project?"
Stumped.
I kept telling myself the teachers just didn't know me and therefore did not "see" *me* in my work and perhaps over time, they would. But they did not. Then i thought perhaps they were just disinterested teachers not willing to see me in my work. That turned out to be true to some extent till a new teacher i met last week saw my work.
"I see you in your work."
Finally.
"I see you, but you keep me at a distance. There is a wall around you and you are not letting me in."
I should have seen that one coming.
Okay, it was time for me to accept i keep the viewer at a distance. I put up walls around my photography.
Does this reflect the kind of person i am? Perhaps.
A Forever Friend told me a couple of months ago that the one thing she hated about me was that I never let her in. According to her, apparently, I never let anyone in and I have these spikes around me that say "okay this is close enough don't try to get closer". The words hurt at that time but since I've come to New York and my personality is obviously showing in my work, how can I deny it anymore?
Yes. Okay. I do have walls around me. I am surrounded by spikes. I subconsciously do keep everyone at a distance. And yes, all these traits may qualify me to be some form of an arrogant person but on the brighter side it's kept me safe and kept me focused and saved me a lot of unnecessary hurting and pining for people who aren't worth it in the first place. It's kept me level headed and strong and given me a good sense of judgement before i start depending on the wrong people.
I am not sorry I am this way...however, I think it may be time for a little bit of a change.
As they say, the first step to change is admitting to something that needs to alter.
cheers,
k
ps: Valkyrie, the little bit of posterization in these photographs are for you. :P
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11 comments:
I see your work as deep and insightful, and if thats how you are...then you can be seen in your work :)
We all have a defence mechanism that we adopt sub-consciously based on our experiences and observations. Nothing wrong with that as long as it does not hinder us from experiencing new things and feelings, gaining different perspectives and enhancing our understanding and wisdom, which ultimately help a creative person to grow as an artist and expand the realm of his/her art. No pain no gain :-)
the posterization. it hurts.
i'm going to pretend i dont know you.
and if that way, i have only been exposed to your blog, i feel that you do reveal quite a bit of yourself. not going into details about which side of you you're revealing and holding back, i still feel one gets to know that you are a sensitive person, who takes in much of what is happening around her. thinks about it, and lets it effect her, whether positive or negative.
i think its what keeps people coming back.
not JUST the pretty pictures. lol.
:P
change is good as long as its positive!
loving your blog and enjoying your NY wanderings at IspyNY.
and congrats on your book launch and the scholarship and all things good coming your way!
Kay I have only known you through your blog and based on what I have experienced, here is what I am anxious to find out
When they moan about your lack of presence in your work, what exactly do they ask of you? Your work reflecting some kind of personality, a certain style certain theme or simply putting it, must it bear your stamp?
Through your images, you have covered a range of subjects from politics, culture to more personal moments and more or less, successfully conveyed the message. To me that very versatility defines your style, your expression and there within lies your true strength, simply being able to hide behind your work. All acclaimed artists are generally deep, insightful, sensitive and creative or they won’t be considered good professionals. The x-factor is the priceless ability to explore variety of subjects with equal proficiency burying yourself deep within your work literally becoming unrecognizable in the process. The idea here is not to promote Kay, Kay’s take on life, Kay’s perspective on society but her deep understanding of her subjects without involving any emotions. An understanding based on excellent observation, objectivity and rational thinking. I spy NY is a perfect example of that. Hence my above mentioned query
And yes you are a positive caring sensitive person and occasionally those can be judged through your work but your deliberate keeping-a-distance is probably the best methodology to approach your professional work. Minus any sentimental value, adopting neutrality the work becomes more authentic, caters to all classes bearing your true stamp promoting no particular style which in reality becomes your real style.
And thanks for staying true to your word. Even this posterized image promotes a not very sensitive kay rather a naughty mischievous version oozing tons of energy:). This may not be you but I have actually believed it to be you:)
i think a lot of it comes out of 'self preservation' as well (considering we are coming from a background of "Can I make FRAANSHEEP with you" we figure it doesnt hurt to be a bit guided)...yes how/when it grows to a stage where we automatically set off spikes (at the first hint of human contact) or influences our work merits thinking. but khair hojayeega yara.
So many words used on 'what you are not',how apt... that's what they're referring to.As confident as you are,U will later in ur career/life confront the very seeds of your soul.Then you'll become greater at what you do.1 way to intellectualise on this is to think of it musically,to learn,one takes on techniques,styles and influence.When mixed uniquely and captured effortlessly,chances are,the first few times this happens u will dismiss it as 'a bit of excitement' to complete a project to a deadline.A combination of being in the zone,letting things flow,being open is what invites magic to just happen.All told,the artist having learnt forgets and purely expresses.Then in time,art becomes you.At the right time trust you'll know 'perfection is when there's nothing left to take away'.
Oh yeah,and be grateful!As I am each time I'm reminded of moments I didn't clock but gratefully captured.
As you rightly put it, it's the way you are.I think self realisation abt it is important and you have just admitted it.
As Popeye the sailor puts it ""I am what I am, and that is all that I am"
Good to see you back here.
Cheers
Saish
free spirit: thank you for your words. experiencing new things is what i am totally up for, on a personal level but on a professional level.. i dont know.. isnt that trying to be someone you arent? i am not talking about experimentation... but just doing and tackling stuff you arent interested in... i dont know.. i'm still figuring that part out-- and pushing myself to try it.. whats the most that could happen? i fail. not the end of the world :) it shall only make me stronger right?
khiz: you are just biased :P
valkyrie: though you dont have a reason to be biased like khiz, you *sound* biased :) i sound too cool to be true after reading your assessments of me - which actually made my day...but-
you know what...
thank you :)
aneela:ho toh sub kuch jayee ga.. its the process thats always a killer :P
Gerwaine: welcome.
is there any way to confront the seeds of my soul right now? or am i being too impatient? i want a "thing" you know. like every great artist has a "thing". I have a class mate who takes photographs by standing at the edge looking down from skyscrapers indication she is somewhat suicidal. its awesome. its her "thing".
i think this post was basically some anger at myself for not having found my "thing" after thinking all this while i had it.
thank you for your comment though.
saish: popeye obviously never attended grad school :P
cheers all
With kind respect to your endeavours...yes,you are being a bit impatient,artistically impatient.Perhaps your thing is 'connecting' to places,or finding your 'self' in places,etc,only u know... re 'seeds of the soul' for a shortcut - I'd suggest a. 'jamming',method: favourite music in earphones and snap all day and night with a digicam for 24 hours ,just let your instinct guide you,don't analyse or 'think' about it - let heart lead mind,not vice versa.do check that they are good shots technically etc.One location or multi -locations,that's ur call,though I would suggest its no coincidence ur best friend with bags of positivity is visiting!Something is guiding you,trust in that and yourself.Push yourself to exhaust all instinctual reasoning for snapping - ie exhaust all your ideas.Then save it,back it up and forget about it!after 3 days,preferably a Sunday ,after brunch,review your work.You will see a theme emerge,it may help to even 'blur' your screen a bit - look at your monitor off-angle,from the sides,for different feels and moods.
b. ...lets do a' first.best,G.
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thank you. i refuse to regret the person i was. i do know the person i will eventually be.
thankyou pauliee
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