So, a funny thing happened the other day. I got an email from one of my best girlfriends. We always keep in touch through occasional phone calls that last up to two hours at a time and instant short emails everytime something interesting happens. I received an instant short email telling me that one of the guys we went to grade school with had gotten married to his girlfriend. The mail ended with a sentence that I have not been able to shake off;
“so much for being the “promised” ones.
Love
-S”
The promised ones. Let’s back track a little. So this guy who she was informing me about was never a ladies man. He was sweet but he never hung out with girls, girls never hung out with him because at that point he…well…did strange things. For example; when we were 15 he once filled my family’s answer machine tape, which ran when we weren’t home, with him singing a romantic bollywood song :/ Now imagine coming home from a family dinner and listening to that with your parents and sisters staring at you.
So you can understand how, back then, a guy like that (who undoubtedly grew out of his strange boy phase and somewhere along the road became a man) was not exactly considered as one of the “promised” ones-atleast where matters of the heart were concerned. In the years that followed we actually became friends and I really am happy for him and the new life he has started.
Now coming back to me being one of the “promised” ones. Yes, it was because I was popular and boys liked me. But then again, back then 16 year old boys would fall for any girl who would smile at them and since I was one of the few girls who never saw anything wrong with being friends with boys, I had my fair share of admirers.
Over the years, things changed, naturally. Girls no longer shyed away from talking to boys and subsequently I never got over just regarding them as friends. So one by one, everyone is now married or engaged and I am doing exactly what I want to be doing at this point- but clearly am seen as some sort of weird failure in the eyes of those who deemed me as a “promised” one back then.
“Kay, you are still unmarried?”
This is what that bollywood song singing boy asked me in front of several of my friends when we randomly bumped into each other…after say 6 years!
Now I had several pairs of eyes staring at me and this is what i WANTED to say:
"After all these years, after all the education we receive, after allllll we accomplish- if we are single at 26 and god forbid were popular when we were 16, there is something drastically wrong with us?
I refuse to conform to the expectations of the average educated Pakistani society. What I see happening with this un-required pressure are my friends, smart beautiful girls, willing to settle for average, uninspired men to spend their life with, because they are done being labeled single. And you know what, pressure swings both ways. Recently I had the unpleasant opportunity to witness a guy friend prepared to meet several girls hand picked by his mother because he too felt society’s disapproving eye weigh him down. No body wants to wait for the “one” anymore. And yes I know, I know, for many "the one" had broken your hearts but that clearly means he was NOT "the one"!
Call me idealistic and whatever I might say may come back to bite me in the you-know-what perhaps but at this point I’ll say it. I’ll say I hate hearing of perfectly sweet marriages ending in divorce (the ones that were rushed into that is), hate the lack of true commitment in people as far as relationships are concerned (the ones who married anyway despite having those lingering feelings for ex-lovers), I despise the ego clashes I hear of , sick of he-did she-did nonsense.
I am depressed with the lack of sincerity the constitution of marriage holds for people now. How it’s become disposable (excuse the sweeping generalization). Because yes it is disheartening and yes it makes a person like me weary."
But then I suppose this reply would have been inappropriate under the circumstances.
So I just mumbled;
"Kya karien? Perfection is hard to come by"
*insert false laughter*
Or something stupid like that.
Moral of the story; With so many things in life that are mediocre, Love shouldn’t be one of them (Dreams for an Insomniac)
Posts
18 comments:
LOL.
been there, done that... and living with the label of "there must be something wrong with her".
people just don't understand us single beauties.
:D
i hope there is positive 'redemption' for those of us who haven't settled yet. and it's ironic how we JUST had this conversation in the wake of recent weirdness.
How I love your unsaid thoughts.
I'm a firm believer in the logic that when amazing girls end up marrying mediocre guys, they are just "settling". Marriage, at least, should not be about settling.
And only when I thought I was about to receive an invitation, preparing to be your best man and suddenly we get this rebellious, leftist, Marxist concept of love from you;). But what else one would expect from Jamil’s Saab granddaughter :)
Frankly I couldn’t have agreed more. Girls do become a victim of societal norms. I suppose some 10-15 years it was still worse with even the most educated families preferring to throw their girls into marriage usually after their graduations. Masters was considered a big deal and work, almost novelty.
Some elders argue that a truly smart well educated girl becomes way too picky and finds it hard to settle with a nice but average man with average credentials. Men can compromise having average partners, women wont. Thus the urgency to marry her off, before she gains extra maturity extra sheen for their liking.
You have been exposed to men from a very early age. Looking at how you have grown into a cute bubbly intelligent girl, I almost get this impression what a tomboy you must have been in your teens. May not be the most sought after but every boy’s definition of best friend:). The entire equation may have helped you gaining a profound understanding of men psyche better than most girls. Be able to deal men on their level is almost unique and yes many men would find it intimidating (though you are anything but intimidating).
You are friendly cooperative a good listener always putting men at ease, occasionally vulnerable but that vulnerability must not be attributed to any kind of weakness. It’s merely that delicacy every beautiful person ought to have. Your stance on defying average Pakistani norms must not be confused with arrogance of being highly smart educated and brainy. Your exposure, experience, consistent and healthy interactions with the opposite sex has polished your vision, fine tuned your instincts, turned you into this highly intelligent creature outshining most men:)
I am not sure if you are looking for Aristotle’s wisdom, Achilles presence with a Rembrandt’s like divine touch, a simple man with an insightful appreciation of what kay is all about would suffice enough:)
See no insightful thoughts, just plain observation
I disagree about waiting for "the one"... I know many people who met the one by exploring formal arranged marraige options... They got to know the guy n it worked out amazingly one for them.
On the flip side I know others who married "for love"... Went through all the typical romance and were convinced that this was their soul mate etc etc, even rebelled against family to marry them and it turned out disastrously for them.
Honestly I say this from personal experience u can only think someone iis the one... However no one is exactly the same before and after marraige... And u may find out that people change with time and "the one" is no longer the same or circumstances have made him/her change or whatever... Basically marraige is a risk whether u know someone and love him or whether u don't... These uninspired men ur friends ended up marrying may turn out to be the best husbands ever and make them more happy then someone who married the perfect one and later realized that there are issues which sometimes even being in love cannot solve... Sorry if I am sounding too depressing :(
Khiz: yup, our conversation last time reminded me of this incident i wrote about...:/ what to do? ;)
Nahl: where as you and i are on the same page about this.. i must admit, i quite agree with Mom and More down here...
Valkyrie: I recently watched Mehreen Jabbar's award nominated drama serial "Doraha" and a lot of what you say echos some of the themes she dealt with and also of what i have written...she has miraculously also managed to capture a lot of Mom and More's concerns. Quite the brilliant watch.
your estimation of me is accurate in some places and inaccurate in others but then again, only because i have received different estimations of my personality from people who are important to me in life. Its interesting to compare that with what you have to say. I think, however, a better version of me exists in your head than in the real world ;)
I do not know what i am looking for myself. Perfection is different for different people and as my mother puts it; i have the curse of being a Virgo...good is never good enough.
But yes...no arrogance ( though it may seem that way)...
Thank you for your observations :)
Mom and More: There is absolutely no way i can disagree with anything you have said. You are totally right> i completely respect and admire the ritual of arranged marriages because i have seen it work for a number of my friends...(refer to my previous post where i have praised and marveled at the concept)...and sadly i have many friends and a very close cousin who went through disastrous love marriages.
But this is not what i am criticizing ( if i am criticizing at all). I am simply saying one should do something when one is prepared to do it and for NO other reason at all. Marry a stranger...by all means...IF IT FEELS RIGHT. Take any number of risks in life, i encourage it and endorse it, because i agree that most things in life are risks...but do it for the right reasons. No need to do anything in order to prove something to someone else be it society or family- taking huge risky decisions because you are under pressure is what i find ridiculous. Not the act itself.
i mentioned in my post i made sweeping generalizations but if you didn't catch it, i was actually particularizing a bunch of things quite subtlety. perhaps it was too subtle.
Thank you for commenting. :)
i believe its the first time i have seen you here.
:) yeah I agree with you on not giving in to pressure when it doesn't feel right.
And I know I said sometimes even love can't solve some marital issues but what it can sometimes help with is that despite all the issues it doesn't let u give up on the other person or the relationship. Sometimes u may not understand the other person or dislike what they r doing but because u love them u will try and find a way to work through it :)
I have read your blog a few times but this time what you said struck something within me and I had to comment :) you write well and its interesting to read your views on things :)
Love the photographs..breaks the monotony that the black and white had created on the page..and by the way I love that shade of nail polish too :D
haha~ funny! thank you for your share~ ........................................
mom and more: :) thank you
Ayesha A: ive never worn that shade in my life! but thought why not try it out- loved it!
pink: :) always welcome
I actually think women who are more accomplished are more desirable rather than the opposite in them leaving much to be desired.
Go out and make yourself the best you can. Don't compromise on what you can achieve. But then again, don't compromise too much that one day you might look back and wish it were not so.
Who am I to preach? :P.
You're cool, Kay =)
Oh God, I love the magic in your hands. The way you photograph and the way you write.
Ashlesha
Bulls Eye kay.
You have managed to touch a chord with most 20 somethings... who go through an interesting childhood, a fabulous career and then suddenly are judged by 'the catch' meaning, when and how and with whom they decide to settle...
Timing is the most important here...such things cannot and should not be rushed into.
I don't know if you have seen the Indian Movie Hum Tum - the lead character here is a widow and is exasperated everytime people define her through her marriage or the lack of a partner...
Its as if, akeli ladki logon ki aankhon main khatakti hai...
Its always nice to read such stuff...
i love the way you put words into your photography.
“There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with. Love shouldn’t be one of them. Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time.”
Jill Robinson
Yawar: you think im cool? :P really?
crazy diamond: :) much appreciated.
All talk: you and me.. we're on the same page. :)
twentysix11eighty: thats a hellofa long nick you got there :P thank you for your comments.
Quratulain: you are probably right. i just remember the line being said in the movie! :)
you knw kay...
i totally agree wid u on the matter...
yes i am a dreamer n m not afraid to hope n dream of THE ONE for me n BELIEVE in it with everything in me...
i agree that with everything goin on LOVE should be one feeling which sholdnt be regarded as mediocre or a false emotion...
n yes LOVE is the TRUE COMMITMENT that holds together a marriage thru thick n thin...
so ALL THE BEST in gettin ur THE ONE...
kay, i love this :)
I wish this was on Facebook; so I could just 'like' it.
I totally observe that at weddings; the ratio of hot girls with 'YEH iss ka mian hai' guys to 10/10 guys to average girls is really skewed in favor of the hot girls (hot in the all encompassing sense of ofcourse).
But I hope you realize that if "average, uninspired men" aren't matched with smart beautiful girls, its effect on society could be devastating. Do the math,
(average + average)/2 = average;
(average + above average)/2 = above average
Post a Comment