Artist Vs Representative

Recently a lot of my art work in grad school is revolving around identity. Forced to look within rather than outside the way I usually do, my professors asked me a most dreaded question, who was I? I’ve always hated that question (even though that does happen to be the name of my blog.) I just found the whole concept of self-discovery very indulgent and selfish to be honest. This is not to say I did not appreciate it when others did it but for me personally, I always thought it to be too weird. I do it on my blog and I like you guys to come to it and give me your input and that’s cool with me-
why force it into an “art project”?.
I was trained to be a Graphic Designer and deal with clients and briefs on a commercial level- this whole fine art concept about “the self” is new to me.
After 6 months of pushing me constantly to answer this question, I finally caved in. I said to myself, hey, I have two years to experiment so lets just self indulge for a few months and give these professors an answer.
So who was i?
Pakistani female. Educated. Modern. Liberal. Progressive.
These were obvious traits. One look at me and everyone in Pakistan knows this.
This got me thinking. The fact that back home, one look at you and people think they know you. This made me think of all the things I’ve heard/overheard/told by friends/people/distant relatives/random acquaintances/complete strangers about myself. Gossipy stuff. Stuff I look back and laugh at. Stuff I look back and think why the heck would someone say that. Assumptions. Preconceived notions. Judgments.
I decided let this project have a message: don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

So I started writing down all the snippets I remembered. You’d be surprised how, regardless of the fact that you ignore mean words, they stay with you, swimming somewhere in your mind, bothering you on some subconscious level, irritating you but not controlling you and a lot of times you don’t even remember that they were said till something happens to remind you.
I started placing the snippets with photographs of myself in New York. I even wrote down who said what and showed it in a critique in front of 15 class fellows and 2 professors. Some of the snippets have featured on my blog as well. In fact, most of them have. The response was interesting and successful in the sense that I was on the right track for questioning identity.
Over the next few weeks and with more and more critiques with peers and professors, I began to realize that the fact that I was using just the gossipy some what mean stuff I had heard about myself made my ‘audience’ think I was some what oppressed in Pakistan; That I couldn’t be myself without being judged. To some extent that may be true, it was also not true- and us Karachites can vouch for the fact that it is hardly bothersome and I’ve never had a problem with it in Karachi. Maybe in Peshawar I would have- but not Karachi. I realized that my project was bigger than I thought. It was representing Pakistan to these people who essentially do not know anything about it and the last thing I wanted to convey was my non-existent oppressed life in Karachi and make them think how coming to America has been so liberating. How to explain that yes, in some ways it has been liberating but then again, not really? How to explain my place in Karachi when I really can’t even explain it to myself? How to tell them that Karachi is very accepting of differences as long as you stay in your part of the curb?

So I started watching a lot of documentaries about Karachi made by BBC, CNN, National Geographic. However, that left me only a little more confused and a little more displaced. These documentaries, some of which were very interesting and very educational, showed two worlds. Two worlds both extreme in nature; the boozy party goers side and the urban slum poverty stricken side- neither of which I belonged to. I am neither super conservative nor am I super liberal. The conservative will probably look at me and say “taubah!” and the liberal will probably look at me and give me a smile if they know me or just ignore me if they don’t. I neither wear a scarf on my head nor do I drink. I wear jeans and shirts all the time but I always have sleeves, my neckline is never low and nor is anything skin tight. I have friends of all sorts which is why some of them call me a fundo and some of them think I’m too out there. So I have no documentary to show people and say, “look, that’s me!”.
So then, how do I explain to people here who I am when apparently I really do not represent either side of what the rest of the world knows of Karachi? I keep saying Karachi and not Pakistan because Pakistan is a whole different ball game…just fitting in Karachi (strictly theoretically speaking) is turning out to be very difficult. And you know, you just don’t think of these things when you are in Karachi, because honestly we have bigger issues in life to think about- which is why this whole self journey seems ridiculous at times and I just give it up saying how the heck is this stuff important when there are worse things happening in my country? This argument/problem or identity is an issue of luxury.

But isn’t it all interconnected in some way?

So yesterday I went into class and I told a professor who I have come to really look up to and respect, of all these issues and questions I have been battling with. He listened very patiently and then asked;

“Who died and made you the representative of Karachi? You are nothing but a speck of dust.”

:/
Now that’s a good question…sort of. I mean, doesn’t one automatically become a representative of their country once they start living abroad? Especially, if you are from a country that is in the news eye 24/7 these days? People who look at you and find out you are from Pakistan immediately start looking at you more closely and every word that comes out of your mouth will be judged as that coming out of a Pakistani and not as an individual.

No? Is it just me who feels this enormous responsibility?

“It is only a responsibility if you choose to make it one. But choose whether you want to be a representative or if you want to be an artist. Artists views are formed by how they perceive things- a representative stays objective.”

I am 0.001% of Pakistan. One of 18 million in Karachi. If I put the work I am doing out there right now, people may throw rocks at me saying “That is not what Karachi is about”.

“But, is the work that you are doing comprise of your experiences in Karachi?”
“Yes.”
“Is it your perception?”
“One part of it- yes.”
“How can someone argue with someone else’s perception? You aren’t making any unfounded claims about the city- you are sharing your experiences- you are being an artist and nobody will have the right to throw rocks at you.”

You know, in theory he makes sense…but you Karachiites out there know what I mean na? You know how illogically pissed off we get if someone out there shows our city not in the way we see it na? Sounds so stupid…but we do it- because we are madly in love with it. And for the first time in my life I’m making work that doesn’t sing praises of where I come from. For the first time I’m actually showing that despite my crazy love for the city and it’s people, it has made me feel crappy sometimes because of the very judgmental nature you witness in the attitudes of people around you sometimes.

So right now i'm at this point where I feel that if i can't separate the artist in me from the representator(word?) in me, i'll quit this project and start working on something less personally controversial. I'm hoping something someone out here says something that forces me to make sense of things...

This post has no conclusion and it has no moral message. It has no claim and it has no judgment. It’s just an ordinary girls discovery in its embryonic stage.
It does have a question though which I want to put out there and feel free to respond privately and have a conversation about it at lifemeansdrama@gmail.com or here in the comment box-
I just want to know how you Karachiites out there define your existence being Karachiites? Where do you feel you belong, if one must belong in some sort of classified category? And even if you think we shouldn’t be categorized, please say so. I just want different takes on being from Karachi- especially from those who like me have just moved abroad.
And for the non-Pakistani people out there-
any similar feelings?

Cheers,
kAy